LoL Moments and Rabbit Holes

Although I have tried to summarize honestly and faithfully all the chapters of the Bible, certain irreverent thoughts and snark could not be avoided (though I avoid blasphemy, which is too simple in our age of rage). Please excuse the following if it is not to your taste. You may note that I found nothing that made me laugh out loud (lol) in the Gospels.

1. 1. The first recorded birth in the Judeo-Christian tradition is when Adam, a biological man, gave birth to Eve, a biological woman (#Gn2), anticipating gender ideology by many thousands of years.
   2. #Gn6 and the story of Noah’s ark is also known as God’s mulligan.
   3. The Isles of the Gentiles or Children of Japheth  (#Gn10) are various characterizations of the goyim, who are descended from the 3rd (not 1st) son of Noah. So firstborn is not so special. After all, David was the 7th or 8th son of Jesse.
   4. Lot’s daughters’ affection for their father goes beyond mere filial piety (#Gn9). A Lot complex between a girl and her father should be as interesting as the Oedipus complex between a boy and his mother. It’s surprising that it is so rarely treated in literature.
   5. Thankfully, my encounters with death and dying are few, but in my experience I have never seen anyone about to die who had a good appetite (#Gn27,#Gn28). That must have been some tasty venison that Rebekah prepared for Isaac.
   6. Readers may enjoy comparing various translations of #Gn38:9, where Onan “spilled his semen” (NIV). KJV: “he spilled [his seed].” CSB: “released his seed.” CEB: “wasted his semen.” CEV: “made sure [Tamar] would not get pregnant.” ICB for children: “he did not complete the act.”
   7. #Ex20, #Ex21. I’m pretty much on board with nine of the Ten Commandments, but the command not to covet my neighbor’s ox might be a bridge too far.
   8. In #Ex26, we find that the Lord’s other career was interior decorator. In #Ex29, we learn that the tabernacle of the Lord was the Israelites’ version of the barbecue pit.
   9. The Lord will visit the iniquity of the fathers unto the 3rd & 4th generations (#Ex34), but the descendants of eunuchs & bastards shall not enter the assembly of the Lord unto the 10th generation (#Dt23). This seems a bit unfair to people who had no choice in their parents. 
   10. It’s surprising that chickens are never mentioned as an offering in #Nm. Are there no chickens in Old Testament times? By the time of Jesus, there are chickens, as evidenced by the cock crowing after Peter denied Christ.
   11. Red heifer cleansing water: warms the heart, soothes the soul, and cleans the unclean (#Nm19). On sale at your local drugstore. Buy some now!
   12. Children have limited liability under Mosaic law: no life except for life (#Dt24:16). So children will not die for the sins of the father. But other penalties are maintained. Blasphemy, apparently even by children (#Lv24), is punishable by stoning.
   13. #Dt15:17 If your Hebrew slave is due to be freed after 6 years, and yet refuses to go, then thou shalt take an awl, and thrust it through his (her) ear onto the door, and (s)he shall be thy (maid) servant forever.
   14. That the atonement for the death of a man is made by sacrificing a heifer seems not quite equitable from the victim’s (or heifer’s) point of view, though the value of a heifer is no small thing (#Dt21). 
   15. #Dt22 Not only is a non-virginal daughter returned to her father’s household by the aggrieved husband, but she is then stoned to death on the threshold of her father’s house. No wonder their abstinence-based sex ed for women before marriage was so successful. 
   16. In #Dt25:11-12, if two men are fighting, and the wife of one man grabs him by the privates (or “flowers,” as in KJV), then her hand is to be cut off. Was this a regular thing back then?
   17. #Dt25 A widowed wife should marry her husband’s brother. If he refuses, she shall take off a sandal & spit on him.
   18. In #Dt28:68, after a series of horrible curses that will occur if Israel disobeys the Lord, the concluding curse is “There you will offer yourselves for sale to your enemies as male and female slaves, but no one will buy you.” This curse shows up in Mel Gibson’s movie Apocalypto.
   19. In #Jdg9, the vengeful son Abimelek hires “reckless scoundrels” (NIV) to kill his 70 brothers (“vain & light persons” in KJV). Scoundrels yes, but reckless? They succeeded! Gideon has 70 sons (#Jdg8), Abimelek kills 70, leaving another and himself alive. So 72?
   20. Was there ever a more stupid vow to have been made than Jepthah’s in #Jdg11, namely to make a burnt offering of whatever met him at his house on his triumphal return? One can only surmise that he was hoping to be met by his wife, who he must have hated, rather than his daughter.
   21. In #Jdg19, we have a “horror-lol,” so horrible one has to laugh. Benjaminites demand sex with a Levite, who gives them his concubine. She is left dead at the doorstep the next morning. And then the Levite cuts the concubine to pieces and sends the pieces to the tribes of Israel.
   22. To complete the horror^2lol of #Jdg, the killing of the people of Benjamin due to the crimes of the men of Gibeah is atoned for by  abducting 400 virgins from Jabesh-Gilead to be wives of the remaining men of Benjamin (#Jdg21). This episode echoes the rape of the Sabine women. 
   23. In #1Sam18, for David to wed Michal, Saul’s daughter (as David felt humbled to wed the daughter of a king), Saul asks only that David bring him the foreskins of 100 Philistines. David brings him 200! Wish the old masters had depicted the scene counting them out.
   24. Solomon’s wisdom, illustrated by the argument of the two prostitutes over a baby in #1Kg3, could have gone so wrong. Both could have agreed to cut the baby in two—what a mess! Sensing Solomon’s wiles, they each could have offered the baby to the other, hamstringing his judgment.
   25. In #1Kg18, Elijah the prophet taunts the prophets of Baal for not making fire for the offering. “You’ll have to shout louder,” he scoffed, “for surely he is a god! Perhaps he is daydreaming, or is relieving himself.” (NLT) To be fair, it is translated differently in NIV and KJV.
   26. Elijah curses the house of Ahab in #1Kg21:21: “Behold, I will bring evil upon thee, … and will cut off from Ahab him that pisseth against the wall…” (KJV) One who “pisseth against the wall” is a term for men. It appears earlier in #1Kg16:11, when Zimri slays the house of Baasha.
   27. Another horrolol is in #2Kg6:29. A famine is so severe that 2 women agree to eat their children. They have a meal of one of them, but the next day the 2nd woman backs out of the deal with her own child. The recipe is boiling, but surely a fried baby would be tastier.
   28. #1Cr be like, “OK class, let’s take it from the top. Who were the sons of Adam & Eve? Who were the sons of Noah? Who were the sons of Levi? Name at least 3 children of Saul. What is the name of Noah’s wife?”
   29. How wonderful could the workmanship on Solomon’s temple have been if they used 3 for the value of pi (#1Kg7:23, #2Cr4:2)?
   30. I’m going to call my son “Xerxes.” He can thank me later. (#Ez4). He might become governor of the trans-Euphrates.
   31. “Also I have made a decree, that whosoever shall alter this word, let timber be pulled down from his house, and being set up, let him be hanged thereon; and let his house be made a dunghill for this.” (#Ez6:11). Yours, Darius. 
   32. Nehemiah (#Neh), governor of the trans-Canaan region, was cupbearer to Artaxerxes, a mixed reward for loyalty due to the possibility of poisoning. It’s not surprising that he wanted to leave. So the rebuilding of the temple was ultimately due to poor job security.
   33. “Chamberlains” is a synonym for “eunuchs” (#Est1:12). Drinking was according to the law do according to every man’s pleasure. (#Est1:8). Some things never change.
   34. What was on the agenda when the sons of God come to present themselves before the Lord (#Job2:2)? A clever Satan answers God’s question, Whence comest thou? with the reply, From going to and fro in the earth, and from walking up and down in it. 1/2
   35. Satan would have made a good lawyer, and vice versa. 2/2
   36. Satan’s motto is “Skin for skin!” (#Job2:4). Every good motto should comfortably fit on a baseball cap. Satan not only has skin in the game, he has two skins in the game.
   37. Ezra’s hill to die on is populated by “strange wives from foreign lands.” (#Ez9,10).
   38. In the Bible, “skin of your teeth” translates to “your gums” (#Job19:20) (NIV).
   39. Are these verses as funny as they sound? “Though the pride of the godless person reaches to the heavens and his head touches the clouds, he will perish forever, like his own dung; those who have seen him will say, ‘Where is he?’” (#Job20:6,7).
   40. Notice the difference in a traditional (KJV) and a more modern (NIV) translation of #Job14:1,2, and now introducing the forthcoming Woke International Version (WIV): 1/4
   41. KJV: Man that is born of a woman is of few days and full of trouble. He cometh forth like a flower, and is cut down: he fleeth also as a shadow, and continueth not. 2/4
   42. NIV: Mortals, born of woman, are of few days and full of trouble. They spring up like flowers and wither away; like fleeting shadows, they do not endure. 3/4
   43. WIV: Humans, born of birthing people, live short lives if they are members of the oppressed classes. They rise up like flowers with rage and suffer injustice, living marginalized lives that are snuffed out by the privileged white class. 4/4
   44. The two parts of the canonical Christian Bible are the Old and New Testaments. The latest advancement in Biblical scholarship is the addition of the “Plaid Testament,” where the Lord of the Olde Testament punishes fans of Elton John.
   45. The 23rd Psalm is the Stairway to Heaven of Bible verses. That still doesn’t mean it’s not good. The Lord answers, It is.
   46. It is not clear when David wrote #Psa86. But his humblebrag that “I am poor and needy” is contrary to his entire life. When he calls the Lord “slow to anger,” one wonders if has missed all the times when the Lord slaughters people, even Israelites, in a jealous rage. 
   47. #Psa132:17 (KJV) reads “There I [the Lord] will make the horn of David to bud.”  David had 4 wives, numerous concubines, 19 named sons and 1 named daughter (#1Cr3:1-9), and no doubt many more children. Assuredly this pledge came true.
   48. #Psa136 gave me a horrolol whiplash. “To him alone who doeth great wonders: his love endures forever” (#Psa136:4). After many such praises, this is followed by “To him that smote the firstborn of Egypt: his love endures forever,” and…1/2 
   49. “To him that smote great kings: his love endures forever.” (#Psa136:10,18). The Egyptians and subjects of those kings might have another opinion about the Lord’s mercy and love. 2/2
   50. #Prv2, #Prv5-7 have strong admonitions against strange women and adultery, but #Prv6:24-26 provides a solution to those urges (NIV): “Do not lust in your heart after her beauty or let her captivate you with her eyes. For a prostitute can be had for a loaf of bread.”
   51. Rounding out Proverbs is guest contributor Agur, son of Jakeh, (#Prv30)! Agur delivers a sermon filled with wisdom using a rhetorical technique discussed in Commentaries. 1/2 
   52. King Lemuel closes Proverbs with an impressive sermon (#Prv 31) containing admonitions for life & praise to a virtuous woman (thereby scoring husband points). 2/2
   53. #Ec10:20: “Curse not the king, no not in thy thought, and curse not the rich in thy bedchamber, for a bird of the air shall carry the voice, and that which hath wings shall tell the matter.” Thought crime & surveillance, OT style. 1984, 3000 yrs ago. #Ec10
   54. Solomon’s Song, chpt. 5 (#Sol5) is already a sufficient basis for banning the entire Bible on a morals charge. “My beloved put in his hand by the hole of the door, and my bowels were moved for him.”
   55. In the midst of a litany of flattering and obsequious comments about his beloved’s beauty comes (#Sol7:4, NIV) “Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon looking toward Damascus.” I don’t think this says what Solomon thinks it says.
   56. The curious and salacious-sounding phrase “loose the loins of kings” (#Is45:1, KJV) means nothing more than “strip the kings of their armor” (NIV).
   57. There is not much humor in Isaiah (#Is), but the KJV translation of #Is60:16 celebrating the glory of Zion gave me a laugh: “Thou shalt also suck the milk of the Gentiles, and shalt suck the breast of kings.” Can’t be very nourishing. 
   58. The overriding sensation of #Is is akin to the emotion of choosing what to wear on the day of your execution.
   59. Reading early part of #Jer, I have this image of a couple of prophets chatting in Paradise (I think they are Isaiah & Jeremiah), with Yahweh hovering in the distance. One prophet says to the other: “Let’s not go see Yahweh today. He’s always complaining about his kids.”
   60. Jeremiah (#Jer) is the original trash-talker. He would have been cancelled so fast today. Whenever he goes over the line, he says “It is Yahweh who speaks,” slipping through the noose yet again. 1/2
   61. Examples: “they shall die of grievous deaths…they shall be as dung upon the face of the earth.” (#Jer16:4). “…mine anger and mine fury will be poured on this place…& it shall burn and not be quenched.” (#Jer7:20) [ed.: Is this incitement to violence?] 2/2
   62. “Can the Ethiopian change his skin, or the leopard his spots? then may ye also do good, that are accustomed to do evil.” (#Jer13:25, KJV). So the answer is yes?
   63. It seems that Jeremiah had to put up with Prophets of the Good Times® (#Jer14:13,14), a 7th century BC Prosperity Prophecy®. Sadly, those prophets did not prosper (#Jer14:15,16).
   64. I wish Nebuchadnezzar, King of Babylon was a career option. I should have had larger ambitions in college, though I’m sure it comes with its own set of problems—& pronouns.
   65. God spends a lot of time remembering the sins of his people, but couldn’t be bothered for 10 full days to reply on a matter of life and death to his own people (#Jer42). Not to worry, Judah’s remant escaping Babylon didn’t take the Lord’s advice not to go to Egypt. So there, God. 
   66. “Jerusalem is a menstrous woman among them [her adversaries]” (#Lm1:17, KJV). Not the image that I would think of, but marks for creativity.
   67. I found my stage name when I do stand-up in the Catskills: Ben Adam, i. e., Son of man (#Ezk2).
   68. Though the larger endowments of Africans is rumored, I didn’t expect to find it in the Bible (#Ezk16:26): “the Egyptians, your neighbors with large genitals” (NIV), “big-membered neighbors, the Egyptians” (JB), “the Egyptians thy neighbors, great of flesh” (KJV). This theme… 1/2
   69. …recurs in#Ezk23:20: “There she [Aholibah, a harlot representing Jerusalem] lusted after her [Egyptian] lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses” (NIV), “big-membered as donkeys, ejactulating as violently as stallions” (JB). 2/2

NEW TESTAMENT LOL

1. 1. Jesus’s pronouns are He/Him/His (KJV). Yet God’s are he/him/his. No wonder God is a jealous God. And Jesus gets the red letter treatment to boot. 
   2. Tabernacle of Moloch (#Ac7) would be a great name for an abortion clinic or a casino.
   3. #Gal5:12 Paul saying if circumcision is so good, go all the way and cut it off. KJV: “I would even they were cut off which trouble you.” NIV: “As for those agitators, I wish they would go the whole way and emasculate themselves!”
   4. The paradoxical statement made by a Cretan who says “Cretans always lie” shows up in #Titus1:12. “One of them (a Cretan prophet) says ‘The Cretans are always liars…’” Since it appears in Scripture, it must be true. But is it true? Answer (#Titus1:13): “This witness is true.”
   5. #Philemon, a sort of bill of lading for a slave, translates v. 7, “have refreshed the hearts of the Lord’s people” (NIV) as “because the bowels of the saints are refreshed by thee” (KJV).  V. 20, “Refresh my heart in Christ” (NIV), is “refresh my bowels in the Lord” (KJV).
   6. To be honest, the apocalypse would be a lol moment. 

RABBIT HOLES

1. 1. Avoiding rabbit holes: As we know from Monty Python, the only truly effective defense against a rabbit hole is the holy hand grenade.  I have endeavored to stay out of rabbit holes in this study, but acknowledge that reading the Bible is good preparation, in fact, a prerogative, for entering certain types of rabbit holes. A sampling: book of Japheth and canonicity of the books of the Bible; David or Elhanan vs. Goliath; fate of the 10 lost tribes; correct pronunciation of the word “Shiboleth.”  (Hebrew  word shibbólet (שִׁבֹּלֶת), meaning the part of a plant containing grain); current location of the lost ark; physical explanations for miracles; proofs for the existence of God; definition of God; Mary, the holy mother of God; What kind of Jew are you?; collective guilt and individual guilt and agency; firstborn sacrifice; great Bible romances for teens of all ages; immaculate conception and virgin birth; communion & sacrifice at the Last Supper; age of reason and consent; the wicked & the righteous, which are you?; Jewish gene; talking to God & the lost art of prophecy; holocaust studies and holocaust denial; the Mosaic diet; best shabbat walks; genealogies; the history of Shiloh; communitarianism in the NT; Solar and stellar phenomena in the Bible; best Bible movies of all time; the Bible and the sexual binary; critical race theory and Christianity; families, tribes, races, and peoples; what does it all mean?; etc.